Lovecraft is all up in your grill in the upcoming "Altitude"

The fading days of summer have just turned out to be an absolute Tentacle-palooza. First, we had the announcement of the DVD release of the Lovecraftian “Closet Space”, Then there was the blockbuster announcement of Guillermo Del Toro and James Cameron teaming up to do “At the Mountains of Madness”. Now, we have news that October will also see the release of Kaare Andrews’ What-The-Hell-Is-That-In-The-Clouds “Altitude”.

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Did the devil make Nell (Ashley Bell) do it in "The Last Exorcism".

Back when I was too young to drive myself anywhere but old enough to ride my bike places, I would, on most any summer day, trek on down to the old Hampton-Illinois library. You could usually find me in one of a couple of places: either somewhere in with the science-fiction books or in the religion section. Religion might sound like a curious section for a boy barely in double digit years to be poking around in, but there was one book that constantly held my fascination. Up on one of the higher shelve – high enough for me to need a step stool to get to – was a small red and black book, barely bigger than a paperback.

Its title, one simple word: Demonology.

Maybe there was just something about my Roman Catholic upbringing that drew me into that mysterious world of candlelit rituals and spiritual warfare. Maybe I’ve always been attracted to the darker elements of life. Whatever the reason, it makes me excited about movies like “the Last Exorcism”.

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Becca (Jenn Proske) and Edward (Matt Lanter) wait in vain for laughter in "Vampires Suck".

There is probably no other movie franchise out there today in more dire need of parody than the Twilight series. From the tops of its sparkly vampire head to the tips of its sullen Mary-Sue toes, everything about the series screams, “RIDICULE ME!” So, it was to my great delight when I found out that someone was going to do just that. There was much joy in Mudville for more than a few of my genre cronies and myself at the news. OK, so it was being made by the same soulless bastards who squeezed out such cinematic rectal prolapses like “Epic Movie”… and “Date Movie”… and “Disaster Movie” ands gods help us all, “Meet the Spartans”. As I’ve said before – and have sometimes have to be reminded – you can’t always judge a movie by the director’s previous work.

Just look at Uwe Boll… O.K., bad example.
M. Night Shamaylan.
Crap.

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Another cam model gets ready to eat it in "Lethal Obsession".

More than a few months ago, I was discussing with the dearly departed (for the greener pastures of cable TV) Devin Pike an idea for a screenplay. We went through most of the beats for it, skipped a few but generally went through the whole of it over hot wings and beer. It would be a hard sci-fi actioner that could easily branch out into sequels. Nine to five would be a thing of the past for us.

Where’s that movie now?

With the exception of a couple of scenes, I tend to think it’s dragging it’s way through the tenebrous passages of my brain, one foot chewed off and with a really bad shoulder cramp, lost on its way to my fingers. They say that in Hollywood everybody has a script. In Dallas, there are at least two people. Do we have a movie? No. That gives the filmmakers behind “Lethal Obsession” a leg up on the rest of us.

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Laurie (Evan Scott) gets to know what's lurking in "Closet Space".

If you’re like me and have lived in Texas for any length of time – or even a state or an area that has lots of country music on the radio – you’ve probably heard David Allan Coe’s “You Never Even Called Me By My Name.” Good chance you heard it before and didn’t even know it. It’s that song with the monologue in the middle about what makes the perfect country and western song (in no particular order: trains, mama, rain, pick-up trucks and getting drunk). Well, for me I could do a little monologue about what makes the perfect horror movie. Sure, you could have blood and gore and boobs and dread and whatnot, but there’s still one thing missing from that formula, one thing that keeps it from being perfect.

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What nightmares will the union of Guillermo Del Toro and James Cameron bring "At the Mountains of Madness"?

Yes, it’s official – -my geek pants have exploded.
Even more disturbing than that, they have exploded with shapeless congeries of protoplasmic bubbles, faintly self-luminous, and with myriads of temporary eyes forming and un-forming as pustules of greenish light.

What does all this mean? Well, let me tell you… provided I can stop hyperventilating.

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It's not a Horror Remix, it's "Deer Woman".

from Showtime’s “Masters of Horror” series

Deer Woman (2005)
Directed by: John Landis
Written by: Max Landis and John Landis.
Starring: Brian Benben, Cinthia Moura, Sonja Bennett, Anthony Griffith, Lisa Marie Caruk, Ben Cotton

PLOT
In this horror comedy, a set of peculiar murders leads skeptical detective Dwight Faraday to suspect that an ancient Native American mythological creature is in fact real. (from tv.com)

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The living dead want you to watch "Homecoming".

from Showtime’s “Masters of Horror” series

Homecoming (2005)
Directed by: Joe Dante
Written by Mick Garris and Sam Hamm. Based on the short story “Death & Suffrage” by Dale Bailey
Starring: Jon Tenney, Thea Gill, Robert Picardo, Beverly Breuer, Terry David Mulligan,
J.W. Carroll

PLOT
During the campaign for the reelection of the President of USA, the political consultant David Murch wishes live in a television talk show that a deceased soldier could come back from his grave to vote in the election as a marketing to promote his candidate. The president uses his idea in a speech and wishes that all the deceased soldiers could return from their graves for the election. Somehow his wish is granted and the soldiers died in the last war returns with the objective of voting in the opposition to the government.  (from IMDb)

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Henry Thomas stars in the Masters of Horror snoozer "Chocolate".

from Showtime’s “Masters of Horror” series

Chocolate (2005)
Written and Directed by: Mick Garris
Starring: Henry Thomas, Matt Frewer, Leah Graham, Stacy Grant, Lucie Laurier

PLOT
A man named Jamie (Henry Thomas) who works in a food laboratory (of a company eats a sample of the chocolate produced but – this doesn’t happen in the ep. but tv.com has it in its summary) somehow becomes psychically connected to a women (Lucie Laurier) he has never met and falls in love with her. However, he is shocked when he ‘sees’ her killing her lover. (from tv.com)

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Will M. Night Shyamalan bring down "Devil"?

Want a way to instantly repel me from a movie? Just have M. Night Shyamalan’s name tagged onto it. I had a glimmer of hope for him until I actually saw that rancid accident of filmmaking they called “The Last Airbender”. He’s used up any good will I may have had for him. In my opinion, he’s finally made his decent into the Uwe Boll-level of Hell that Dante mercifully left out of his Divine Comedy. I would be hard pressed to find myself willing showing up for another of his offensive crapfests.

At least as long as he’s in the director’s chair.
Producing, apparently, is another matter.

I don’t know why, but this trailer for the upcoming “Devil” – describes as “From the mind of M. Night Shyamalan”, but is directed by John Dowdle – intrigues me. I’m not quite sure why. A group of people trapped in an elevator and one of them isn’t what they seem to be. Old and busted? Maybe but again, I found it interesting. Maybe he’s less likely to fuck up a movie once he’s out of the big chair. Here’s to hoping.

Trailer after the jump.

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