from Showtime’s “Masters of Horror” series

Directed by: Dario Argento
Starring: Steven Weber, Carrie Fleming

PLOT
Police officer Frank saves a young girl’s life only to find out that no good deed goes unpunished, for Jenifer is not a little girl in need of protection. (from tv.com)

Quickie Review
Horror generally gets a bad rap as aimed solely at hormonal teenage boys who want nothing more but a fix of blood, sex and boobs. In a court case, this could easily be Exhibit A.

Writer Steven Weber is best known as “That Guy from ‘Wings’.” He should stick to acting. These are the bowels of horror, turning something good into crap. If you’d like to see the original story (penned by Bruce Jones and illustrated by the legendary Bernie Wrightson), it’s floating around the Internet. It’s a better use of your time.

The Good: The good? Well, Argento directed it but it feels like to me that he mailed it in. If you’re a completist, watch it. Otherwise, there’s nothing remarkable about this.

The Bad: Only the acting and the writing, but really… how much of a movie is acting and writing?

The Ugly: There just seem to be too many to list here. The characters are unlikeable. And not necessarily unlikeable because of who they are but because the script doesn’t let them be much more than cardboard cutouts. The most important thing in the script seems to be getting Jenifer (who I’m fairly convinced Weber was probably banging for real) naked and setting up the sex scenes. Why is Frank such a dick? Why are he and his wife having problems? Why does he have a hot wife but insist on banging a chick with a face like an industrial accident.

Line of the movie: “Mommy fix.” Really? Well, mommy got her lips bit off and her husband is banging a freakshow. You fixed it real good.

The story itself is a bastardzation of Jones’ original. Weber, sadly just does not have the skill to translate it to the screen in any coherent sense. Like a Michael Bay of emotions, he substitutes yelling and hysterics for emotional development. Jones and Wrightson convey far more in ten illustrated pages than Argento and company do in 55 minutes.