Poe (John Cusack) ponders once upon a midnight dreary what went wrong with "The Raven".

Literary history and Hollywood go together like… well, like two things that go together particularly well. With the exceptions of perhaps Hemingway and Hunter S. Thompson, writers lead notoriously uninteresting lives. Thoreau may very well have plucked the phrase “quiet desperation” from his own life to describe the life of your average writer. So, for Hollywood to attempt to mine the life of a writer – in this case, the godfather of American Horror, Edgar Allen Poe – for an early summer popcorn muncher, they must have something special on their hands.

Well, at least they have Poe and we, in turn, get “the Raven”.

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The gang's all here in "the Cabin in the Woods".

Welcome to quite possibly the shortest review I’ll ever write.
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Sarah (Elizabeth Olsen) seeks out the secrets of the "Silent House".

If you can’t have good actors, have a good story. If you can’t have good actors or a good story, have good effects. If you can’t have good actors, a good story or good effects, have a good gimmick.

And when all else fails, have boobs – lots and lots of boobs.

The horror genre has a long history of using gimmicks to get people into the theaters. Most likely, these saw their halcyon days back in the late 1950s but even today, we appreciate the lure of the gimmick – whether it is the earnest whisper of “Based on a true story,” or the promise of terrifying found footage. The latter – the found footage film – is everyone’s darling these days but even it’s starting to show signs of wear; much like a bow-legged streetwalker after the fleet’s been in port for two weeks.

How about a real-time horror movie?
It seems to work for “Silent House”.

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Arthur Kipps (Daniel Radcliffe) shines a light on the mystery of "the Woman in Black".

For those who live in and around the Dallas area, you might think that growing up in Oak Cliff is a lot like growing up somewhere just outside of downtown Bagdad. While I can’t necessarily speak for the conditions today, I can say it wasn’t as bad as some might expect. We would play in the schoolyard, climb trees and engage in some friendly games of “Oak Cliff freeze tag” – which involves a lot more rock throwing that regular freeze tag. However, there was one thing we didn’t do and that was go anywhere near the old Ravina Mansion.

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Right now, somewhere in the dark, cobweb-dusted recesses of my mind, a rabbit and a duck argue. Familiar voices bicker back and forth…

“Rabbit season!”
“Duck season!”
“Rabbit season!”
“Duck season!”

It goes on like this for some time until a disheveled young girl in a pea soup-stained nightgown approaches, slaps them both senseless and growls, “exorcism season.”

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"All American Zombie Drugs" screening to help Operation Kindness

Most years, the period between Halloween and Christmas was pure seasonal anthrax. Usually, holiday tunes had already bludgeoned us senseless and we were all already looking forward to the alcohol-blasted forgetfulness of New Year’s Eve. This year isn’t a whole lot different but now we have a chance to briefly revisit the halcyon nights of October and get our zombie on for a good cause.
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Dr. Kate (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) brings the heat in "The Thing".

These days, there are two words that can strike fear into the hearts of many movie goers: “horror remake” – especially if those words are immediately followed by the words “from Platinum Dunes.” Usually, these words mark yet another pointless, vapid journey into tedium, 90 minutes that add nothing to the original story and are often worse than what they were trying to improve upon. However, there are rare occasions when Hollywood puts out a remake out that successfully updates and adds to the original.

Such is the case with “the Thing”.
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The lights come on for Kim (Katie Holmes) in "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark".

We live in the age of the Disney fairy tale. In these stories, the heroes and heroines are invariably young and beautiful. A lot of times, they are a bit naïve in the ways of the world and much of the suffering that they do is emotional. At the end of the day, their struggle is resolved with very little mess and they end up living in a castle or some similarly idyllic life.

But this wasn’t always the case.

Long before the “civilized” and sanitized now, fairy tales were not meant for children. They were filled with adults doing adult things learning lessons that usually involved the spilling of blood – much like the Troy Nixey-helmed and Guillermo Del Toro-penned “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark”.

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Olivia (Jacqueline MacInnes Wood) gets an eyeful in "Final Destination 5".

Like many parts of the country these days, the horror genre has been firmly in the grips of a drought for the last few years. True relief has been scarce and we find ourselves grateful for even the slightest promise of it we may feel on the wind. All the while, charlatans and assorted snake oil salesmen proffer gimmicks and false hope, which we eagerly accept in lieu of the real thing.

But one day, relief will come.
Just not today.
Today, we get “Final Destination 5”.

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Here it is…
Quite honestly, it’s left me speechless. Not because it’s any great cinematic achievement but because it’s like a monumentally bad cook suddenly discovering he can successfully boil water.

OK, maybe it’s not that bad either.
Still, here it is.

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