REVIEW: ‘Zombieland’ (2009)

Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) and Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) nut up in the horror comedy, "Zombieland".
Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) and Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) nut up in the horror comedy, "Zombieland".

Zombies, for whatever reason, are a Western Phenomenon. In this writer’s humble opinion, they represent a fear set unique to our Judeo-Christian based culture: they represent the loss of the Ultimate Certainty. In death, we are assured either reward, punishment, or rest. The concept of the zombie robs us of that, instead replacing it with the fear of continuing on as a mindless automaton, existing only to serve the basest needs of survival – all in all, not entirely unlike spending eternity in a corporate cubicle farm.

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REVIEW: ‘Jennifer’s Body’ (2009)

Megan Fox perfectly cast as a hope-eating demon in "Jennifer's Body".
Megan Fox perfectly cast as a hope-eating demon in "Jennifer's Body".

I am not the kind of guy who is easily impressed by feminine wiles. Whether it is from years of marriage or from DJing one too many nights at topless clubs, I’m not sure. Whatever the reason, though, I’m not the kind of guy to cut a woman slack because she’s pretty. Yes, I am the kind of guy who goes to Hooters for the wings and also complains about the service. It should then go without saying that I was NOT looking forward to seeing Jennifer’s Body, the latest vehicle for movie babe du jour, Megan Fox. I guess I’d just gotten tired of hearing innumerable fanboys going on about, “Who cares if Transformers 2 sucks… Megan Fox, dude.” I really didn’t mind the statement so much – it was just all the drooling that accompanied it. I’m sorry, but a pretty face doesn’t make a crappy movie any less crappy. So, as I sat waiting for the movie to start tonight, I dreaded what was coming.

I ended up with some pleasant surprises.

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REVIEW: ‘Thirst’ (2009)

Very Human. Very Monstrous. The vampiric world according to Park Chan-wook's "Thirst".
Very Human. Very Monstrous. The vampiric world according to Park Chan-wook's "Thirst".

Korean filmmaking, for most of us, brings to mind the painfully bad “Dragon Wars”. For the rest of us, it still bring up the painfully bad (and aforementioned), “Dragon Wars”. Unfortunately, my cinematic travels have not included a whole lot of Korea – none of it, in fact. So, I went into this screening almost completely blind, though that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Ideally, a critic should go into a movie with no prejudices, judging the movie solely on its own merits.

And ideally, Hollywood should turn out movies that are entertaining and not just ground out for the sake of making a buck.
But I digress.

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REVIEW: ‘Orphan’ (2009)

Boy howdy there is something wrong with Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman) in "Orphan".
Boy howdy there is something wrong with Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman) in "Orphan".

Have you ever had a surprise birthday party that wasn’t a surprise? You know the kind: some over-eager friend or relative just can’t contain themselves and spills the beans ahead of time. Later at party time, you have to walk in and come up with your best surprised reaction, knowing full well that the advanced warning has sucked all that was special out of the surprise.

Fortunately, it’s doesn’t make “Orphan” any worse of a movie.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t make it a better one, either.

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Everything You Know About Horror Is Wrong

What Do Horror Fans Want?

The gods bless my wife.

For most of the last year, I’ve watched almost nothing but horror movies. She, for her wifely part, has watched them with me, rarely complaining. We’ve watched big budget franchise movies and no-budget groaners. We’ve watched American, Chilean, English, French, Irish, Italian, Japanese, and Scandinavian horror. Slashers, aliens, monsters, zombies and assorted madmen, we’ve watched them in bunches, and I’ve come to a conclusion:

They don’t scare me.

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