REVIEW: ‘Vampires Suck’

Becca (Jenn Proske) and Edward (Matt Lanter) wait in vain for laughter in "Vampires Suck".
Becca (Jenn Proske) and Edward (Matt Lanter) wait in vain for laughter in "Vampires Suck".

There is probably no other movie franchise out there today in more dire need of parody than the Twilight series. From the tops of its sparkly vampire head to the tips of its sullen Mary-Sue toes, everything about the series screams, “RIDICULE ME!” So, it was to my great delight when I found out that someone was going to do just that. There was much joy in Mudville for more than a few of my genre cronies and myself at the news. OK, so it was being made by the same soulless bastards who squeezed out such cinematic rectal prolapses like “Epic Movie”… and “Date Movie”… and “Disaster Movie” ands gods help us all, “Meet the Spartans”. As I’ve said before – and have sometimes have to be reminded – you can’t always judge a movie by the director’s previous work.

Just look at Uwe Boll… O.K., bad example.
M. Night Shamaylan.
Crap.

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REVIEW: ‘Eclipse’

The most boring threesome ever returns in "Eclipse".
The most boring threesome ever returns in "Eclipse".

So, how did we get here?

Let’s track back a few months to the Big Gold Statue Watching Party. TerrorScribes like me are generally not allowed anywhere near polite company so I was relegated to working sound in the projection booth. All in all, it wasn’t a bad gig and I was able to jack into someone’s WiFi and chat with people about the broadcast. It was all pretty mellow until they got to the part of the show where they did a tribute to horror movies.

Then, shit got real.

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‘New Moon’ – A Survivor’s Story

"New Moon" is the latest chapter of "Dummies for Shakespeare"

“These violent delights have violent ends. And in their triumph die, like fire and powder. Which, as they kiss, consume.”
Bella first words in “New Moon”.

“Second verse same as the first.”
“Henry the Eighth” by Herman’s Hermits, what Bella should have said.

I’ve been asked by more than a few people why, as someone who covers the horror genre, am I reviewing any of the Twilight movies since they obviously aren’t horror movies. I ask myself the same thing when watching these movies. I said it before I started watching them that reviewing any of the Twilight films as a horror movie is tantamount to kicking a crippled kid down a flight of stairs. Still, either through accident or intent, the Twilight series keeps insinuating itself into the horror fold, like a little brother trying to tag along with his older brother.

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‘Twilight’ – A Survivor’s Story

Edward, Bella and the rest of Team WTF?!?
Edward, Bella and the rest of Team WTF?!?

“I’d never given much thought to how I would die.”

That’s the opening line from ‘Twilight’, the first movie in the eponymous series. If that sounds like you, well, you’re probably like most of us making their way through this thing we call life. However, if you go up to a horror fan and tell them that any bit of the “Twilight” saga is a horror movie, there’s a very good chance that you won’t get to think about it any further. In fact, chances are that they will probably plan it for you.

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‘Splice’s Natali to Helm ‘Neuromancer’

Vincenzo Natali looks to bring "Neuromancer" to the big screen.
Vincenzo Natali looks to bring "Neuromancer" to the big screen.

How does a director follow up a well-received, thought-provoking and slightly controversial sci-fi pic? You tackle the adaptation of one of the landmark sci-fi stories of this generation.

According to Market Watch, Vincenzo Natali, director of “Cube” and most recently, “Splice” has been tapped to direct a feature film adaptation of William Gibson’s seminal novel, “Neuromancer”. Now, this isn’t the first time someone’s tried to bring this classic to the silver screen, but so far this one seems to have the most steam behind it. This particular iteration has been gestating since 2007, with Joseph Kahn (“Torque”) originally slated to be in the big chair and, gods help us, Hayden Christensen starring. However, as early as May 7, 2012, The Hollywood Reporter announced that Natali was taking over director’s duties. There was no other news on this until today’s press release from Seven Arts Pictures. Working in conjunction with Prodigy Pictures, and with support from Telefilm Canada, Seven Arts is hoping that “Neuromancer “ will be the first of a multi-film franchise.

Says Seven Arts CEO Peter Hoffman said, ” In Vincenzo’s hands we think Neuromancer will realize William Gibson’s extraordinary vision of the future while being a big draw at the box office.”

Personally, I’m just hoping that one, it gets made and two, that it doesn’t suck.

More Mortal Kombat? This Is Only a Test

New Mortal Kombat test clip teases us mercilessly.
New Mortal Kombat test clip teases us mercilessly.

OK, this clip was burninating Twitter up all day yesterday and now the details are starting to come out. Apparently this is a test clip from Kevin Tancharoen (who directed “Fame” last year) and who now seems to have a really geektastic idea for reviving the MK franchise. When last we left it, MK2 was stinking it up back in 1995 behind a no-name cast. This test clip has it beat by two, features Michael Jai White (memorably dispatched by the Joker in “The Dark Knight”) and Jeri Ryan (every fanboy’s dream Borg, Seven of Nine, from “Star Trek: Voyager”). For a more detailed casting list, check out El Guapo’s article at Latino Review.

As I was saying, this clip piqued many people’s curiosity yesterday. It remained mostly a mystery, at least for me,until Jeri Ryan started tweeting about it last night:

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